Colors
by YouKnowWhatTheySayAboutHope
Summary: When Elsa attempts suicide, Anna wants to know why. To find out, she and Kristoff need to go into the past and discover how the three once close friends became strangers, and how a once happy and wise Elsa could have lost herself to point at which she saw no more hope. But the colors that Anna sees prevent her from seeing the truth, while Elsa only yearns to see those colors again.
1. Chapter 1

Anna saw colors. All kinds of colors, from blue to purple to red, dancing in front of her, around the room, clouding her all moved. Constantly, without a pause, all in different directions, all at once, so that it was difficult for Anna to focus on one. It was as if they didn't allow Anna to think straight, as if they were constantly slamming into her, knocking the air out of her lungs and causing her to lose balance. Blindly, she reached out, her hands fumbling around until she felt them grip of the phone, and started to dial.

* * *

The dimly lit hospital room was white. The white walls were closing in on her, the same way they had three years ago, which was the last time Anna had seen them. Even though she was younger then, she hadn't been as intimidated as she was now. Then, she had her sister to hold her in the dark night, to take care of her, to tell her that everything would be fine. Lies of course; Elsa was well aware of the fact that their parents were dying.

But the closeness had helped. Just knowing that there was someone, even if that person was as much as a stranger to Anna as Elsa was, who was there, was a comfort. Alone in the empty waiting room in the middle of the night, Anna could only stare at the white walls in front of her. They were boring, colorless and plain, yet had no flaw or the people who had sat in this very room. Anna snorted bitterly. She would have never thought that she would come to envy a wall.

* * *

"Ready?" A seven-year old girl, her blond hair in a neat braid, shrieked, eagerly looking over her shoulder at two kids, one a blond boy with red cheeks, about the girl's age, the other a four-year old with two bright red pigtails, sitting on the sled behind her. When they cheered, she pushed the sled, and soon they were racing down the hill, the wind slamming into their faces as their laughter echoed throughout the area, the joy hanging in the air between the green pines.

None of them noticed how dark clouds began to cover the sky, turning the glowing white landscape into a black hole. The children also didn't seem to find it peculiar that they were ageing as the sled moved downhill, or how the boy was fading, until he was no longer visible, or how the wind increased in strength, so that it became difficult to hold onto the sled, or steer it and dodge rocks. At some point, the sled crashed, flying into the air and turning over, throwing the two girls off it. The redhead found herself fully grown, breathing heavily as she lifted herself out of the snow. Finally, she stood straight and turned around, looking right into the darkness of the landscape. Her sister, also an adult now, was barely visible, all of her, except for the sickening red of her wrists, blending into the darkness.

"Anna," the older girl whispered, as the younger sister tried to near her. "Stay away. You have to go." A fear that was unknown to Anna laced her voice. "Go!" The blonde yelled, all kinds of colors, from red to purple to blue flowing through her face. "Please, go," she repeated, her voice wavering this time as she slouched, shaking. And finally, one last time, as if she didn't even know what she was begging for, she whispered,"Please." Anna felt like stomping, screaming, crying. She didn't do any of that. She just watched silently, in despair, as her sister collapsed into darkness.

Anna shuddered, awake all of a sudden. The same white walls surrounded her, but in a brighter light than before. In the chair beside her slept a stranger, strongly built and blond hair, looking no older than twenty. With a start Anna realized that he must have placed a blanket on her; a green afghan with sunflowers that Elsa had made her. It took merely seconds until Anna started crying, her body shaking with each sob.

The man next to her woke, placing his hand on her arm as she sobbed. He knew nothing about the colors she saw, or how the furious red that blinded her eyesight was soon taken over by the deep blue, or how the blue was battled by a dark shade of purple. But he held her. When the colors turned back into the white of the hospital walls, he said nothing. Breathing heavily, Anna slouched into her chair.

"I am sorry that we had to meet again like this," he finally stated. When she didn't reply, he continued. "Elsa was so great. I know I never saw her much since we were split up in primary school, but she looked so... okay. It looked like she had control over her life. I- I-" His voice broke. "I- We met last month. Coincidentally. There was something. I couldn't tell what, or whether it was a good or a bad something. But there was something up and she said it wasn't important and that was the first time I had seen her since your parent's funeral so I thought it was none of my business anyway." A pause. "I wish I would have gotten her to tell me. I could have stopped this."

Anna looked up. After staring at him for a moment, she said, "I want to know why." Frustration bubbled up in her and the red, the vivid, ugly red crept back into Anna's vision. "I want to know why she would do something like this, why she would fucking do this to me. She's twenty-one, for fuck's sake, she should know better. She could have come to me!" Tears began to form in her eyes again. She turned and looked Kristoff in the eye. "If- no, when, she wakes up, I want to be able to understand why. Even if the reason is ugly, I deserve to know it." She paused. "Kristoff, I won't be able to find out alone."

He returned her gaze. "I'll help."


	2. Chapter 2

Anna wandered down the street, with no aim whatsoever, strolling through the town. She just needed a moment, away from the wild colors of the day before, away from the plain hospital room. At the hospital, the doctor had informed Anna that Elsa was alive, but was unconscious, and would be for at least another 48 hours due to the amount of blood that she lost. For the first twelve hours, Anna had sat at her sister's bedside, but half an hour ago, she had told Kristoff to watch her until Anna had found something- anything- that would indicate how her sister had become suicidal. But right now, Anna needed to close her eyes and at least try to think. There was just too much to think about. The colors were flying in front of her, overwhelming and scaring and tearing Anna apart. She missed her sister, she missed her best friend. She needed her, to see her smile and be happy and- her thoughts were interrupted by the smell of hot chocolate as Anna made her way towards a familiar cafe, the color blue clouding her vision.

* * *

A little girl of eight faintly smiled at the smell of hot chocolate. It was coming from the cafe that she, Anna and Kristoff played in front of on weekends. The owner, Elsa's friend Kai, would occasionally bring out some cookies for them, and the children would gobble them up in mere seconds.

She was drawing in the car. It was Olaf the snowman again, her and Anna's imaginary friend. She couldn't focus though; the road was too bumpy. Groaning, she leaned into her seat. Her parents were driving her to school today, as a special treat because Kristoff was not going to be in her class this year. Being a year younger that all his classmates was apparently too much for him, so he remained in second grade while Elsa was condemned to attend third grade. Alone. As if it wasn't bad enough that Anna wouldn't even start school until next year.

* * *

Elsa purposely picked the spot near the window, where no-one else was sitting. She missed Kristoff, and his goofy acts and funny games. More than anything, she wanted to run out of the room and join him. She smiled at the thought of seeing him at break time.

Meanwhile, a girl with big green eyes and incredibly long blond hair approached her. With curiosity, she leaned over Elsa's shoulder to admire the sketch of Olaf, which was now lying on Elsa's desk.

"Do you like to draw?" the girl asked. When Elsa shyly nodded, she grinned and exclaimed, "So do I! I think painting is the best thing ever!" The girl reached into her pretty purple school bag and pulled out a drawing of a green chameleon. "This is my pet, Pascal," she told Elsa, proudly. "I love drawing him." Before Elsa had the chance to tell the other girl about Olaf, the teacher, an incredibly tall woman with tightly fixed gray hair, stalked into the room, ordering the students to their seats, to which the third graders quickly scurried to. Even though Elsa never had the chance to learn the girl's name, she found herself smiling throughout the rest of the lesson.

* * *

Anna stood in front of her old primary school. The blue was blinding, stabbing at her, tripping her as she walked. She leaned against the wall of the school, sipping at her hot chocolate, allowing herself to be swallowed by the blue.

* * *

Elsa didn't see the other girl at break time. But she'd see her in class later, so that was going to be good. Giddy with excitement, she turned around to go tell Kristoff about the possibility of a new friend. And bumped right into another girl with an _oof_ , landing on the floor.

The other girl, a redhead from her class with chubby cheeks and a sneer painted on her face, towered over her. Elsa winced.

"Where are _you_ going?" She growled, eyeing Elsa as if she were a lion watching its prey.

"Just to find a friend," Elsa mumbled, nervously glancing at the other girl's eyes narrowed.

"You mean the kid with the ridiculously long hair?" Elsa didn't move. Her classmate was starting to scare her.

"Oh, honey," the redhead sighed, shaking her head. "I'm sorry that you even consider her as a friend." She leaned over, so that her nose almost touched Elsa's. "You do know that she hates you, right?"

Elsa just shook her head.

"She told me you were drawing this really lame snowman. And that snowmen are for babies. That you are no more than one. Big. Baby." A pause. "She doesn't want to be near a baby. That's why she was so relieved when Mrs. Tremaine started class. She thinks you're going to hurt her reputation by hanging around her."

Hurt flashed across Elsa's face. Satisfied by this, the other girl continued, "You know, you're just going to make her upset if you talk to her. Maybe you should just stick around me instead. You know, so I can make sure you won't hurt anyone. I will be able to look after you."

Tears started to well up in Elsa's eyes. But then she remembered something her papa said. _Conceal, don't feel._ So that is what she did. Swallowing her emotions, she created a hole. A hole of nothing, of no colors or anything that would let the other girl know that she reacted,

"You don't have many friends, do you?" The redhead asked. Elsa just lowered her head"Just that one kid who flunked second grade, right? Well, I am Anastasia, and me and my sister Drizella will from now on be your real friends. That means that you will do everything that I say from now on. Got it?"

Elsa turned her head away, which Anastasia took as a 'yes'.

* * *

The old photo albums were scattered all over the attic floor. Anna carefully wiped the dust off one, and opened it to the first page. Three little girls, a redhead, a brunette and Elsa, were sitting on a swing. The redhead and the brunette were grinning, their arms around each other's shoulders in a pose, but Elsa just stared straight at the camera, as if she were wondering why the photographer chose to capture that exact moment.

A blue wind gently rose from the dust, softly swishing around the room like a rising storm as Anna turned the page. Another picture of an unsmiling Elsa with the same two girls, but this time in Elsa's room with a pile of dolls Anna had never seen before in the background. The next page had a similar picture to the ones before, as did the one after that, and the one after that one, in fact, all of the pictures in the album presented the same two grinning girls and an unemotional Elsa. Except for the last one. The pictured was titled _Graduation from Walt Disney Elementary_ , and showed a class full of fifth graders, of which most were puffy-eyed and red-nosed from crying. Elsa wasn't. This was the first, and only, photo in which she could be seen smiling.

* * *

Elsa could tell that Anna was confused when friendly, fun Kristoff stopped coming over to play. Even more so when two scowling kids, who seemed to take no interest in anything that Elsa had to say, replaced him. Neither could Elsa explain why she brought home those sneering girls instead of the smiling ones home to play, and never could Elsa tell why she, even though she knew these girls were bad news, was around them. And never could Elsa express how much she wanted Anna away from these so-called friends, because unlike Elsa herself, funny, cheeky and lovely Anna could never hurt anyone's reputation, feelings or anything. Anna didn't need to be held back, and shouldn't be held back by Elsa. Which is why it frustrated Anna so incredibly much when Elsa wouldn't let her talk to them.

Or rather, when Elsa wouldn't let them talk her. It was as if every word coming out of Anastasia's and Drizella's mouths were a poison that Elsa would willingly swallow, but not want Anna to taste.

The only thing Anna saw in this situation was that Elsa didn't want her around when anyone was nearby. Thus the sisters began to part ways.

* * *

The gentle blue swirling around the room had darkened and gained strength, and now threatened to knock Anna over and blind her sight. For a moment, Anna felt like the color was going to swallow her. Hastily, she grabbed as many of the albums as she could fit in her bag and rushed down the stairs, through the hallway- and stopped right at Elsa's white door. The blue that she felt was chasing her caught up, and darkened into the dark shade of wine. As if the sudden change hypnotized her, Anna stepped forward, pushing the door open. Into a room she hadn't stepped into in years.

Her sister's room was dark, so Anna couldn't recognize a thing. Not even the colors that shadowed Anna since that fateful moment of discovering her sister were in sight. Blindly, she reached out her arm, waving it around the room until she hit a piece of furniture. A table, presumably. Carefully, Anna ran her hand over the smooth surface. This table was the same table Elsa sat at. Ate at. Did her homework at. The idea of Elsa, standing where Anna stood now, made Anna smile.

A sudden change of texture at Anna's fingertips tore Anna away from her thoughts. She was now holding a piece of paper, rough in her hands in comparison to the smooth wood of the table. Before she could change her mind, Anna took it, careful not crumple it as she left the room. In the hallway, Anna glanced at the title.

 _Because I could not stop for Death_ by Emily Dickinson. Analysis by Elsa of Arendelle, Grade 10, December 7th 2007.

Anna widened her eyes in surprise. Even though she couldn't imagine why Elsa would have kept that for six years, she added it to her collection of memories in her bag.

Sighing, Anna pressed herself against the wall. The blue was brighter than ever, masking everything she could sense, as if it were covering her eyes and ears. While choking back a sob, Anna shook herself. She had to get back to the hospital, she had to see Elsa.

* * *

Light. Light was the first thing she noticed when she opened her eyes. How beautiful she felt feeling the colorful light, but how uncomfortably unfamiliar it was on her face. Then the pain came. The physical all at once, taking over her body, the mental in waves, one after the other, as if they wouldn't stop coming. And the light that had brought so many beautiful colors turned black and white in mere seconds, so that she closed them again, clenching them shut. Only to reopen them in surprise soon after. Why wasn't she dead?

Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT! She was in hospital, in hospital because of attempted suicide, nonononono this couldn't be happening, what will she do, will they send her to a mental hospital, what will Anna think,wh- Anna. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, ANNA!

Hastily, the girl turned her head to observe the room around her. There was probably some color; she presumed that the curtains were some shade of blue or red or purple, as was most likely the rug, but she didn't pay attention. The only colors in her eyes were those of her sister, sleeping on a colorless hospital chair, with the familiar red hair, but a new subtle shade of purple on her face.

"Anna," the girl whispered, eyeing the hospital gown she was wearing, then analysing her sister's face with worry. She couldn't- no, wouldn't imagine what this could have done to her. What **she** did to her. No. Nonononono. Anna didn't deserve this, Anna didn't deserve a sister who wanted to die, Anna didn't deserve someone as awful as her and- what did she do?

A voice, soft and gentle, interrupted her thoughts.

"Elsa?"

* * *

Because I could not stop for Death (479)

Emily Dickinson, 1830 - 1886

Because I could not stop for Death –  
He kindly stopped for me –  
The Carriage held but just Ourselves –  
And Immortality.

We slowly drove – He knew no haste  
And I had put away  
My labor and my leisure too,  
For His Civility –

We passed the School, where Children strove  
At Recess – in the Ring –  
We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain –  
We passed the Setting Sun –

Or rather – He passed us –  
The Dews drew quivering and chill –  
For only Gossamer, my Gown –  
My Tippet – only Tulle –

We paused before a House that seemed  
A Swelling of the Ground –  
The Roof was scarcely visible –  
The Cornice – in the Ground –

Since then – 'tis Centuries – and yet  
Feels shorter than the Day  
I first surmised the Horses' Heads  
Were toward Eternity –

A/N: I (obviously) did not write _Because I could stop not for death._

And thank you so much for the reviews! I also love non-related Elsanna (although that doesn't say much- I love anything that involves Elsa). And your English is perfectly understandable :).


	3. Chapter 3

"Elsa?"

Before her sister's name even left Anna's lips, she lunged forwards to embrace Elsa in a hug. The colors were back, overwhelming, changing so much and so often and they made no sense whatsoever, completely taking over Anna's vision so that she could not recognise a thing.

Or maybe her lack of vision was because of the tears. She was blubbering by now, probably soaking her sister, but Anna didn't care right now. She was just so, so, so incredibly mad. And relieved. And… everything. Everything that anyone could ever feel was in the colors that surrounded Anna. The only time they were this vibrant was when Anna found the... the… Anna couldn't even think about it right now. She just needed to be in her sister's arms, and know that everything was going to be alright and that- a violent tug at Anna's arm interrupted her thoughts.

"Ma'am, you heard the girl. You need to leave." A stern-faced nurse with icy blue eyes stared down at her.

Anna's eyes widened. "What?"

She turned to Elsa, only to find that her sister was looking away.

"Make her leave." Elsa, cold and emotionless, as if she were repeating something, whispered. "I don't want her here. Tell her to go."

"No," Anna first whined. "I just got you back, no." The nurse was leading her towards the door. "NO! This is not fair. I thought you were dead! DEAD!" The younger girl was yelling now.

"Ma'am," the nurse hissed, pushing Anna out of the room and slamming the door in her face.

Still facing the door, Anna sighed. Tears began to well up in her eyes as she slowly sank to the ground. Of course. No matter where. No matter when. There was always a door that could be locked.

Taking a deep breath, she screamed. "Just let me IN!"

And then there was red. Red, red, red.

Red, that blocked out the frantic sobbing that came from inside the hospital room.

* * *

Middle school. A new beginning. Without Anastasia or Drizella. Of course, neither of them were happy to be separated from Elsa.

"Tremaine Academy of course is the best school around," Drizella had snorted.

"Why on earth would you choose to go to that loser school anyway? Only dorks are there." Anastasia added.

"So true," Drizella sneered, "So I guess you'll fit in perfectly there."

Elsa just shrugged. After three years of spending every free moment with them, she was used to their harsh comments. But, with a smile, she realised she wouldn't have to put up with them anymore.

* * *

Elsa was the first to arrive in her new classroom. It was much bigger than the one at her last school, but had plain white walls and the desks were arranged in dull rows, rather than forming the u-shape that Elsa had known in elementary school.

She chose a seat by the window in the front. Anastasia and Drizella used to always make her sit in the back with them, mainly so it would be easier for them to copy her answers without the teacher noticing. Gently, Elsa placed her bag on the hook of her desk. She already liked being independent. With a smile, the young blonde gazed out of the window, onto the playground. Walt Disney Secondary School. She was going to be here until she would graduate.

Suddenly, the thought struck her. She was going to be here until she would graduate! That meant, this time she couldn't mess up. She had to get her classmates, all the nice girls and all the funny boys, to like her this time, otherwise she would end up with Anastasia and Drizella again. Or worse. Alone.

Elsa jumped as the door opened. A girl with bright red hair that fell almost to her hips walked in. For a moment, Elsa thought about asking here to sit with her. _No-one here likes you._ She shook her head, hoping that the movement would swallow Anastasia's voice. The red-haired girl sat at a table at the other side of the room. Another girl, this time with long raven black hair and beautiful brown skin, entered the room, and then joined the redhead. Then came a boy with neatly trimmed brown hair and large green eyes, then another girl, this time with short black hair and pale skin, then entered the girl with the long blond hair who Elsa knew from primary school.

Every time someone entered, Elsa wanted to open her mouth to invite someone to sit with her. Instead, she remained silent, and alone. At the end of ten long minutes, the teacher stalked into the room, announcing that this would be Grade 6E.

* * *

Anna stared at the empty pages of the photo album. There were as good as no photos of Elsa from 2003. Sighing, she closed the book and clasped her hands around the warmth of the mug full of coffee she was holding. The intense red rested on her eyelids as she reached for the next album. The label _2004_ stood out in bright letters, below was a picture of Elsa, her hand placed on the shoulder of another girl with straight black hair and a smile on her face.

* * *

 _Crap_. The thought ran through Elsa's mind as she raced to get to school on time. _Crap, crap, crap._ She was going to be late to her first day of seventh grade.

To say that Elsa did not want to return to school after summer would have been an understatement. To her, sixth grade had been no more than spending breaks alone in the library and eating lunch by herself. Seventh grade, Elsa thought, could only be worse. She was lucky that Anna was still in primary school, so that she wouldn't have to see what a loser Elsa was.

This thought was confirmed when Elsa entered the classroom to find that the only two free seats in her new classroom were by the window in the back, away from everyone else. Again, Elsa would be isolated from the rest of the class. Sighing, she made her way towards the empty chair. But before she could sit down, the door opened. A lithe figure rushed into the room, frantically searching for an empty seat before she found that next to Elsa.

"May I sit here?" the girl asked. When Elsa nodded, the stranger smiled and dropped her bag next to the desk. "I'm Mulan. What's your name?"

* * *

Mulan was from China, new, had a talent for fencing and loved to draw dragons, and was happy to come over to Elsa's house next week. Maybe, seventh grade was not going to be that bad, after all.

* * *

"Hey," Kristoff breathed as he sat down next to Anna. Sympathy laced his voice as he told her,"I heard about what happened earlier." When Anna didn't reply, he glanced over her shoulder to see one of the pictures. "Who's that with Elsa?"

"One of her friends, I guess," Anna replied. "I remember her from when I was really little. She was really nice to me, but I haven't seen her since I started middle school."

"Oh," Kristoff sighed, sadly. "I guess the same happened to their friendship as what happened to ours." For a moment, he looked like he was going to say something, however, was interrupted by the loud _Driiiiiiing_ of a phone.

Anna pulled out her phone. "It's my boyfriend." She then declined the call.


End file.
